Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I love the honesty
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”