advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.