“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.