me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Hot Hot Hot
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on