me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.