Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
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I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.