I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.