i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
the battle rages on
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.