Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
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My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The second world war should have been called world war returns