My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.