Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Omg 🤣
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
me refusing to leave twitter
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE