Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
let’s discuss
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.