I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
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