Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
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How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
asking santa clause for nudes
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.