“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.