“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Remember folks 😂
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
very niche meme I made
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Jupiter
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?