Don’t we all.
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[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I’m going to need a moment here.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.