Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
You Might Also Like
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Bread puns are on the rise!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.