My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.