*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
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ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.