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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me