If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”