They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.