I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”