When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?