Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!