6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.