Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me, reading some of your tweets
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me