People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
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My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me :
All Day At Night
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son