Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.