One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Easy enough.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.