I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
You Might Also Like
Please do it!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect