You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Seek kebab; not attention
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.