I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
uncle dave has been through hell
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.