there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
You Might Also Like
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda