Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
it’s the silliest best thing
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
i would wish you the best but i am the best
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.