People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them