“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You Might Also Like
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*