Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
No, I don’t think I will.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP