Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
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I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Well, that didn’t work.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*