The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
This is a true ally.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
thanksgiving in nutshell
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.