I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Help Wanted
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’m being attacked 😭
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*