Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
You Might Also Like
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run