airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.