No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”