“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
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Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
This why you should mind your business
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit