I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Tell me you get it…🤣
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.