Confused owl: What?!
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
can I use a minion as a tampon
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
The dark side of Canada
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats