Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
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Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*