Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
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“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Leaving the Barbers like
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs